roller coaster woman

I dont know if its just me, or if its all the hormones that women have, or if its just everything that is going on in life right now, but I feel like I am on a roller coaster, and poor Davon and the boys are strapped in behind me. Thats a perk about being a man I think, if they are ever emotional they can go and deal with it on their own, but we women, especially moms have so many things pulling you in different directions. These past few days have been so up and down for me! With the loss of my grandpa it has been hard to grieve. Jay, for some reason, has been fascinated with the idea of dieing. So of course as any person who loves the Lord and their child and wants him to come to know Jesus I shared with him what happens when we die and go to heaven. The first time it made me smile, even with the sadness of grandpa's passing I still was happy to use this moment as a teachable time for Jay. The second time was a good reminder conversation, the third time was a little draining, then on and on and on he kept talking about dieing, going to see Jesus, about how grandpa got there. Finally, and this time it was in the car, I had to pull over and started bawling. Poor Jay, he had no idea this was coming, he sat there stunned. Luckily we were close to church and Davon met us and had a talk with him instructing him to not talk about death anymore. ....deep breath....I love my children, but how do you deal with such raw emotion in front of these little faces? I feel like lately, I have been crying, yelling, or just being quiet before them. I know they are wondering where their mom is, where is the joy? Death is such a hard thing. Yes we can be joyful because we know that heaven is there, and eternity with the Lord is far better than we can ever imagine here on earth. BUT, death is also our greatest enemy. The Lord hates death! The only 3 times that Jesus ever wept in the bible was about death. So I am joyful that Grandpa is with the Lord, and yet I am so mad that death is even a factor here on earth, because of our stupid sin. So I am human, dealing with real emotion, and yet having to be example to children on how to deal with things the right way, the godly way. Sometimes thats exhausting. But sometimes God puts a smile on my face and shows me that He has blessed me, and my kids, though young, do understand and they can still have fun and still be resilient to what the world, or even mommy, throws at them. Thank you Lord for that!

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This is them on my worst day of yelling and crying. Now how can you not smile at that:)